Much like exam anxiety or Sunday morning hangovers, messy dating is a disconcerting reality for many college students. In navigating these relationships, we learn through trial and error: what is fun and what is not, and who we should or should not be with.
In spite of these lessons, the excitement of companionship can keep us pining for people who treat us worse than we deserve — and what can be an even more agonizing reality is watching a friend endure these relationships that leave them aching.
Enter: platonic trepidation — striking a balance between communicating concerns with your friend and making sure not to invade or damage trust. Despite this discomfort, when you care deeply for someone, therein lies a responsibility to protect their well-being — even if it’s from themselves.
“I’m just going to say it’s hard (to communicate concerns), and I think that at any age, there’s nervousness because we don’t want to push people away,” said Deidre Evans, Western’s survivor advocacy coordinator. “I would encourage folks that if you have a concern for a friend, for their safety, you don’t think they're being treated in a way that they should be treated, it’s important to say something.”
Figuring out what to say and when to say it is a painstaking process. The line between protecting a loved one and interfering with their autonomy can be thin, especially without thorough consideration of your concerns.
“I would bring up specific behavior rather than more vague statements about not liking someone,” writer Sophie St. Thomas said. Her work in part focuses on love and sex. “When someone is in a bad situation, you see how it affects them as it messes with their sense of self.”
Evans said that regardless of age, there are still often elements of power and control in every relationship and that red flags emerge when there are active imbalances. When a partner keeps someone from friends, family and personal hobbies — often referred to as isolation — and there is an intentional breakdown of self-esteem or self-worth, demand of constant monitoring of activity and location, and pressure or force to engage in sexual activity or intercourse. These patterns are all common forms of abuse and escalation in college-aged relationships.
The concern for upsetting behaviors from a friend’s partner comes from the protective instinct of love. Identifying specific issues of concern, as well as communicating that they come from a deep value of a friend, is essential.
“Ask from a place of wanting to listen to what they share — so not listening with an agenda, not listening with the hope that you're going to be able to convince them to break up with their partner, but listening for how you might be able to support and help,” Evans said. “You could even express the concern: ‘I’ve noticed since you started dating this person, I don’t see you as frequently, or I know that you dropped out of something that you really loved, or you’ve been seeming really down. Is there some way I can be helpful?’”
These sensitive conversations can sound productive on paper, but in practice, they are much more convoluted. Caitlyn Zier, a second-year at Western, has experience with this situation and said it was a difficult conversation, but one that was ultimately worth having.
“I tried to bring it up in person and it was not responded to well,” she said. “They definitely got mad at me for it, but I thought that it was for the better to bring it up. If they weren’t able to recognize it, at least they saw that other people did and that we cared and wanted to help them, even if it didn’t result in any change.”
A tricky aspect of any conversation about a friend’s relationship is their reception of your concerns. Directly expressing dislike for a friend’s partner in an initial conversation, or even concern for the partner’s treatment of a friend, can put them on the defensive.
Evans recommends commitment to authenticity by asking genuine questions, seeking understanding, and emphasizing care and support. This way, if there are real concerns or threats your friend is experiencing, they can begin to unravel it with you.
“Communication should always win,” St. Thomas said. “If you have any concerns, talk to your friend about it. Especially if you think you see any controlling behaviors that could border on being abusive, it’s better for your friend to know that you’re there to hear it, even if they’re not immediately receptive to that.”
But when it comes to dating, most of the time, we are all responsible for figuring it out on our own. Though part of friendship is navigating these difficult yet necessary conversations, St. Thomas said that your friends are allowed to date people that you just don’t like.
“I've definitely been in many situations where I’m not the biggest fan and I don't want to say anything because it’s not really my business. It’s more just an issue I have with that person,” Zier said. “But I think if what their partner is doing is affecting them, and especially if it’s emotionally unhealthy and physically unhealthy, then it’s worth bringing up and trying to do something about it.”
In easing nerves or uncertainty, it’s important to remember that this is someone you know and someone you care about. The conversation doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing or end with a solid resolution — it’s just about expressing care and concern.
“Starting a conversation is just that. You’re just starting a conversation, letting someone know, ‘Hey, I really care about you. I hope everything’s okay. If things aren’t okay, I am someone who’s here,”’ Evans said. “It’s also helpful to remember why you all are friends, because we can get into this place where it can almost become all about that (partner’s) relationship, but remember, you all had a relationship first.”
In these conversations, a more general check-in offers friends a place to open up about any struggles they’re experiencing in their relationship, but it also reminds them of how they deserve to be treated – with respect, dignity and kindness.
If you or someone you know is struggling with relationship strife or abuse, Survivor Advocacy Services is a free and confidential resource for any Western student. In Bellingham and Whatcom County, there are 24-hour advocacy resources, including domestic violence and sexual assault services. Advocates answer calls, discuss dynamics, and help develop a safety plan for staying or leaving the situation.
Rosalie Johnson (she/her) is an opinions reporter. She is a second-year journalism major on the news/editorial track and is excited for her second quarter writing for The Front. Outside of school, Rosalie can be found training for KUGS radio, visiting Bellingham’s local trails and beaches, and devouring late-night Pel’meni. You can reach her at rosaliejohnson.thefront@gmail.com.
