OPINION: Lonely conversations

In an increasingly lonely society, active listening in conversation feels like a lost art. 

The best conversationalists I know possess one shared quality: curiosity. Perhaps the rarity of this trait is tied to a fundamental misunderstanding of communication’s purpose in relationships. For some, it seems that conversation becomes a form of competition in which the goal is to share more than receive. This mentality leads to a pervasive feeling of loneliness.

According to the World Health Organization, data from 2025 shows that 1 in 6 people worldwide is affected by loneliness. Gabby Agnesse has seen the loneliness epidemic firsthand as a therapist for Refresh Therapy in Vancouver, Wash.

“In a lot of my clients' lives, there's a lot of pervasive feelings of disconnect and loneliness,” she said. 

This is a complex and concerning issue with numerous contributing factors, but it’s logical to conclude that chronic internet usage and residual effects from the pandemic share a large portion of the blame. 

Payton Boyd, a 20-year-old Western student, says he's noticed these effects, likely caused by COVID-19, among his peers.

“With COVID, people's growth in their ability to have conversations has been stunted in a way,” he said.  

Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, America was already suffering from a severe internet addiction, with the average young person spending more than 5 hours a day on social media. Self-interest and even self-obsession are disproportionately rewarded online. 

COVID-19 forced the entire world to retreat further into this online world, comprised of skewed morals while removing the reality check of in-person interaction. Perhaps, stewing for 5 hours a day in a system designed to promote self-obsession and competition has transcended the internet and begun to infiltrate the way we communicate in real life. 

Curiosity-fueled conversation is a powerful contrast to the dynamic of social media, and changing the way we think about conversation is within our control. Boyd feels that his peers have the ability to become more engaged listeners with a certain amount of effort.

“I think for the majority of people it's a skill you can build up,” he said. “Like, I’m bad at it now, but in a week I can be much better. In a year, I will be holding really good conversations with anyone.” 

Much of the work of active listening lies in simple body language adjustments and verbal cues. 

“A big part of what we say is not always spoken,” said Agnesse, who practices attentive conversation daily when listening to her clients. “Active listening looks like being fully present, so your mind, your attention, and your body. Your body language is turned towards that person.” 

Agnesse also emphasized the importance of listening to understand. Agnesse says one should avoid trying to fix someone's problems and instead reflect back what you heard or ask questions, be curious, and validate the person's feelings. 

Boyd prioritizes these tactics in conversations with his friends and has noticed his relationships deepen.

“I like to think that the people around me are happier to open up to me about things, because they know I'm going to listen,” he said. 

Verbal cues and body language are key components to appearing interested when someone else is speaking, but beyond eye contact and timely “mmhmm”s, real attention to someone's words must be founded in legitimate curiosity and interest. Rejecting society's current trend towards self-focus could promote deeper connections in your own life. 

Active listening is, at its core, rooted in an acute desire to understand what makes a person who they are, and the complexities of this question make it a fascinating puzzle. Each person in your life is a tangle of stories and experiences waiting for you to unravel, using well-placed questions and legitimate curiosity as tools. 

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